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Lasting
Relationships
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by: Adrienne
Parton
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Keep
things interesting
When you’ve been
together for a while it’s very easy to slip into the same old routines
and become
bored. Make time for each other like you did when you first met: go on
dates; surprise each other; flirt and let your partner know you still
find her attractive.
Talk,
don't wish!
Simply wishing things would change is
rarely effective If a problem keeps cropping up in your relationship
then you need to talk about it. Avoiding problems may mean lack of
conflict in the short
term but generally leads to resentment, which damages the relationship
in the long term.
Don’t
“mind read”,
Ask for clarification When we
have been with someone dor a time it can be very easy to assume that we
know what
the other is thinking or feeling but we can often get it wrong. If
you are having difficulties in your relationship it may be because you
are making wrong assumptions about each other, for example, assuming
your
partner is no longer interested in you when in fact they
are anxious about work. If you do not clarify this it could
then lead to further difficulties; so rather than assume, ask.
Take
time out.
Whilst it’s good to make time for
each other it’s also important to have time to do things without your
partner. It’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all your needs.
Make space for both you and your partner to do things apart; you will
then have more things to talk about and bring to the relationship when
you do spend time together.
“Seal
the deal”
when you are trying to
negotiate/decide something together. We can often fall into the trap of
each stating our position on something and then assuming that the other
is in agreement with us. This can then lead to further
misunderstandings and arguments. So when you have discussed something
check with your partner what you have decided: “ So what we are
agreeing is…”
Asking
yourself “What would it be like to be in a relationship with me?”
can be a sobering question. It usually takes two to keep a problem
going in a relationship. Consider your own part in this rather than
simply blaming your partner.
Compliment
your partner.
This will make both you and
your partner feel good and enhance your relationship. A good compliment
needs to be sincere and specific and is different from insincere
flattery which is likely to have a negative affect as it often feels
manipulative.
Ask
for what you want
rather than negatively
criticize. Directly asking for what we want can often make us feel
vulnerable, as we fear being rejected. However it is usually far more
successful than complaining about the things your partner does wrong,
which normally results in defensiveness. Compare “You never take me
out” with “Could we go out tonight?”
Really
listen to your partner
when she is talking.
Let her know you’ve heard what she is saying by summarising
back, particularly when there is something you are disagreeing about
e.g. “So what you are saying is …..”. When your partner feels heard and
understood by you she is more likely to be open to hearing your
position too.
Be
kind to each other.
It can be easy to fall
into the habit of taking your partner for granted and not
treating him or her with the same kindness and respect you
used to.
Remember you do not own your partner. They do not have to stay with
you but you can make it more conducive for them to want to by treating
them as you would like to be treated yourself.
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